Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.