The Words given by My Parent Which Helped Me when I became a First-Time Dad

"I think I was simply just surviving for twelve months."

One-time Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the challenges of becoming a dad.

But the truth soon became "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Serious health problems around the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her chief support in addition to caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he reached burnout. It was a talk with his parent, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he needed help.

The simple words "You're not in a good spot. You need support. What can I do to support you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and start recovering.

His situation is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While the public is now better used to talking about the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles new fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan believes his challenges are part of a wider reluctance to talk amongst men, who often internalise negative notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just gets hit and doesn't fall time and again."

"It isn't a display of failure to request help. I didn't do that quick enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably ahead of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental state is just as important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the space to take a break - going on a few days abroad, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotions alongside the day-to-day duties of taking care of a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the language of feelings and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen did not have reliable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound difficult experiences caused his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing emotions led him to make "bad decisions" when in his youth to modify how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as a way out from the pain.

"You find your way to things that don't help," he explains. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Advice for Managing as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel swamped, confide in a friend, your other half or a professional how you're feeling. This can to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the activities that made you feel like yourself before becoming a parent. This might be going for a run, socialising or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical health - nutritious food, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mind is coping.
• Meet other new dads - sharing their stories, the challenges, and also the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help isn't failing - taking care of yourself is the most effective way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having been out of touch with him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead give the security and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - expressing the frustrations constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they acknowledged their pain, transformed how they express themselves, and learned to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… sitting with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I said, sometimes I think my role is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am understanding as much as you are in this journey."